According to Aldo Civico Ph.D., "matching and mirroring is the skill of assuming someone else’s style of behavior to create rapport. When you match and mirror, you don’t only listen with your ears, you listen with your entire body. You are present to the other person.

Matching and mirroring is not mimicry. To the contrary, it’s about being in tune with the other, by using your observations about the other’s behavior. Here are the four things you need to do, to match and mirror your interlocutor:

Body postures and gestures
What posture is the person you are having a conversation with assuming? What is he or she doing with his or her arms and hands? Is the person leaning forward or backward? Observe, and then match the posture and gestures. If, for example, the person is reserved in using the hands, there is no point for you to gesticulate frantically!

The rhythm of the breath
Pay attention to how the other person is breathing, and then match it. This technique helps tremendously in bonding with the other. If the person you are having a conversation with is breathing with her diaphragm, it will not help building rapport if you breath with your upper chest. Instead, match your interolocutor’s rhythm of breath.

The energy level
What is the energy level of your interlocutor? Is he or she shy, reserved or exuberant and extroverted? If he or she, for example, is timid, it might be perceived as aggressive and invasive if you are exuberant. If your interlocutor uses few words to express a concept, it does not make your communication effective if you are very wordy.

The tone of your voice
What is your interlocutor’s tone of voice? Is he or she talking softly, almost whispering? In that case, to build rapport, you need to mirror his or her tone of voice. Being loud, in fact, will not help establishing a bond with your interlocutor. In addition, pay attention at the speed of the speech. Is your interlocutor speaking slowly or fast?

Paying attention to these four characteristics and mirroring them when communicating with others, helps you with rapport building (By the way, I am currently sending free videos to individuals interested in learning techniques on how to build rapport. Just sign up here for my weekly advice on effective communication).

Read the full article here on Psychology Today. 

According to Sally Kempton, "We don’t always know why difficult people show up in our lives. There are some good theories about it, of course.  Jungians, along with most contemporary spiritual teachers, tell us that ALL the people in our lives are mirroring what’s inside us, and that once we clear our minds and clarify our hearts; we’ll stop attracting angry girl friends, prickly co-workers and tyrannical bosses. Then there’s the view—not necessarily inconsistent with the first– that life is a school, and that difficult people are our teachers. (In fact, when someone tells you that you’re a teacher for him, it’s often a good idea to ask yourself exactly what it is about you that he finds abrasive!) One thing is clear, though: at some point in our lives, most of us will have someone around us who is show-stoppingly hard to take. Sometimes, it seems as if everyone we know is giving us trouble.

So, one of the great on-going questions for anyone who wants to live an authentic spiritual life without going into a cave is this: how do you deal with difficult people without being harsh, wimpy, or putting them out of your heart? How can you explain to your friend who keeps trying to enlist you in service of her own dramas, that you don’t want to be part of her latest scenario of mistrust and betrayal -- and still remain friends? How do you handle the boss whose tantrums terrorize the whole office, or the co-worker who bursts into tears several times a week and accuses you of being abrupt when all you’re trying to do is get down to business?

More to the point, what can you do when the same sorts of difficult people and situations keep showing up again and again in your life?  Should you chalk it up to karma? Should you find ways to resolve it through discussion or even pre-emptive action? Or should you take the truly challenging view that the people in your life who seem harsh or clingy or annoying are actually reflections of your own disowned, or shadow tendencies? In other words, is it really true that we project onto other people the qualities in ourselves that we dislike or disallow, and then condemn in someone else the traits we reject in ourselves? Does dealing with difficult people have to begin with finding out what you might need to work on in yourself?

The short yogic answer here is "Yes." Obviously, that doesn’t mean you should overlook other people’s anti-social behavior. (Owning your own part in a difficult relationship is not the same thing as wimping out of a confrontation!) Moreover, some relationships are so difficult that the best way to change them is to leave.  But here’s the bottom line: Try as we will, we can’t control other people’s personality and behavior. Our real power lies in our ability to work on ourselves.

This, of course, is Yoga 101. We all ‘know’ it, yet when we’re in the crunch of relational malfunction, it’s often the first thing we forget. So, here it is again: your own inner state is your only platform for dealing successfully with other people. Not even the best interpersonal technique will work if you do it from a fearful, judgmental, or angry state of mind. Your own open and empowered state is the fulcrum, the power point, from which we can begin to move the world. [...]

After all, what makes someone difficult? Essentially, it’s their energy. We don’t have to be students of quantum field theory or Buddhist metaphysics to sense how much the energies around us affect our moods and feelings.  What makes someone tough for you to take? Basically, it has to do with how your energies interact with theirs. Every one of us is at our core an energetic bundle. What we call our personality is actually made up of many layers of energy -- soft, tender, vulnerable energies as well as powerful, controlling or prickly energies. We have our wild and gnarly energies, our kindly energies, our free energies and our constricted, contracted ones.

These energies, expressing themselves through our bodies, thoughts, and emotions, and minds, manifest as our specific personality signature at any given moment. What we see on the surface, in someone’s body language and facial expressions, is the sum of the energies that are operating in them. As we speak, its the energy behind our words that most deeply impacts others.

The beginning of change, then, is learning how to recognize and modulate our own energy patterns. The more awareness we have -- that is, the more we are able to stand aside and witness our personal energies of thought and feeling and (rather than identifying with them) "the easier it is to work with our own energies. This takes practice. Most people don’t start out with a highly developed awareness of their own energy or the way it impacts others -- and even fewer of us know how to change the way our energies work together."
  
Sally Kempton is a student of Swami Muktananda, an author and a spiritual teacher. Excerpt above is from this article. 

How long does it take to make a friend?

According to Cari Romm, "If you've ever gone on a mission to make friends as an adult and found it frustrating, there's a reason why. According to new research out of the University of Kansas, making new friends is actually pretty time-consuming: The study found that it takes 50 hours of time together to consider someone a casual friend, 90 hours to consider them a "friend," and a whopping 200 hours before you consider them a close friend. As they say, good things take time."

Read Romm's full article here. 

Thank you to everyone that attended yoga today where we focused on cultivating non-judgement on and off the mat. Today's class reading are included below. 
 
Reading from Wherever You Go There You Are by Jon Kabat-Zinn
 
"It doesn’t take long in [yoga] to discover that part of our mind is constantly evaluating our experiences, comparing them with other experiences or holding them up against expectations and standards that we create, often out of fear. Fear that I’m not good enough, that bad things will happen, that good things won’t last, that other people might hurt me, that I won’t get my way, that only I know anything, that I’m the only one who doesn’t know anything. We tend to see things through tinted glasses: through the lens of whether something is good for me or bad for me or whether or not it conforms to my beliefs or philosophy. If it is good, I like it. If it is bad, I don’t like it. If it is neither, I have no feelings about it one way or the other, and may hardly notice it at all.
 
When you dwell in stillness, the judging mind can come through like a foghorn. I don’t like the sensation in my knee…. This is boring…. I like this feeling; I had a good [yoga practice] yesterday, but today I’m having a bad [yoga practice]. …It’s not working for me. I’m no good at this. I’m no good period. This type of thinking dominates the mind and weighs it down. It’s like carrying around a suitcase full of rocks on your head. It feels good to put it down. Imagine how it might feel to suspend all your judging and instead to let each moment be just as it is, without attempting to evaluate it as "good" or "bad." This would be true stillness, a true liberation.
 
[Yoga is a practice] of cultivating a non-judging attitude towards what comes up in the mind, come what may. That doesn’t mean judging won’t be going on. Of course it will, because it is in the very nature of the mind to compare and judge and evaluate. When it occurs, we don’t try to stop it or ignore it, any more than we would try to stop any other thoughts that might come through our mind.
 
The tack we take in [yoga] is simply to witness whatever comes up in the mind or the body to recognize it without condemning it or pursuing it, knowing that our judgments are unavoidable and necessarily limiting thoughts about experience. What we are interested in [with yoga] is direct contact with the experience itself – whether it is of an inbreath, an outbreath, a sensation or feeling, a sound, an impulse, a thought, a perception, or a judgment. [In this way] we can act with much greater clarity in our [practice, without immersion] in a stream of unconscious liking and disliking, which screens us from the world and from the basic purity of our own being."
 
Beginning from "Where We Are" from The Heart of Yoga
 
"When we go into a posture or carry out a movement that feels tense, it is difficult to notice anything else besides that tension. Perhaps when we sit in a cross-legged position our only thought is for the pain in our strained ankles. In doing this we are not really in the asana we are striving for – we are obviously not yet ready for this particular position. Rather, we should first practice something easier. This simple idea is the foundation for our whole yoga practice. Practicing the postures progressively, we gradually achieve more steadiness, alertness, and overall comfort.
 
If we want to make this principle of asana practice a reality, we have to accept ourselves just as we are.
 
If we have a stiff back we have to acknowledge this fact. It may be that we are very supple but our breath is very short, or perhaps our breathing is all right but our body gives us certain problems. It is also possible to feel comfortable in an asana while the mind is somewhere completely different. That is not asana either. It is only possible to find the qualities that are essential to asana if we recognize our own starting point and learn to accept it."
 
This quote from Being Peace by Thich Nhat Hanh, speaks more abstractly to our theme, allowing us to think about non-judgment as an enlightened frame of mind.
 
"Do not think that the knowledge you presently possess is changeless, absolute truth. Avoid being narrow-minded and bound to present views. Learn to practice non-attachment from views in order to be open to receive others’ viewpoints. Truth is found in life and not merely in conceptual knowledge. Be ready to learn throughout your entire life and to observe reality in yourself and in the world at all times."
 
CLOSING DHARMA QUOTE
 
Cultivating Non-judgment Quote by Rumi
 
"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I’ll meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about."

The strongest foundation for romantic love is two partners that enter a relationship with their own established self-love and acceptance. 

But what do we mean when we use the term "self-love?"

According to Deborah Khoshaba, Psy.D., a Clinical Psychologist and Director of Training and Development for the Hardiness Institute, self-love includes the following behaviors.


​

Become Mindful
​People who have more self-love tend to know what they think, feel and want. They are mindful of who they are and act on this knowledge, rather than on what others want for them.

Act on What You Need Rather Than What You Want
You love yourself when you can turn away from something that feels good and exciting to what you need to stay strong, centered, and moving forward in your life, instead. By staying focused on what you need, you turn away from automatic behavior patterns that get you into trouble, keep you stuck in the past, and lessen self-love.

Practice Good Self-Care
You will love yourself more, when you take better care of your basic needs. People high in self-love nourish themselves daily through healthy activities, like sound nutrition, exercise, proper sleep, intimacy and healthy social interactions.

Set Boundaries             
You'll love yourself more when you set limits or say no to work, love, or activities that deplete or harm you physically, emotionally and spiritually, or express poorly who you are.

Protect Yourself
Bring the right people into your life. I love the term frenemies that I learned from my younger clients. It describes so well the type of "friends" who take pleasure in your pain and loss rather than in your happiness and success. My suggestion to you here: Get rid of them! There isn't enough time in your life to waste on people who want to take away the shine on your face that says, "I genuinely love myself and life." You will love and respect yourself more.

Forgive Yourself
We humans can be so hard on ourselves. The downside of taking responsiblity for our actions is punishing ourselves too much for mistakes in learning and growing. You have to accept your humanness (the fact that you are not perfect), before you can truly love yourself. Practice being less hard on yourself when you make a mistake. Remember, there are no failures, if you have learned and grown from your mistakes; there are only lessons learned.

Live Intentionally
You will accept and love yourself more, whatever is happening in your life, when you live with purpose and design. Your purpose doesn't have to be crystal clear to you. If your intention is to live a meaningful and healthy life, you will make decisions that support this intention, and feel good about yourself when you succeed in this purpose. You will love yourself more if you see yourself accomplishing what you set out to do. You need to establish your living intentions, to do this.

In a recent Forbes article, Noma Nazish breaks down why self-care is so important for wellness, and includes a list of simple ways to introduce more into your life. 

Work with a Thrive Wellness Coach to develop your own custom formula for health and wellness. 

“No matter how indulgent or fancy the term may sound, self-care is crucial for our physical, emotional and mental well-being. You shouldn’t neglect self-care and here's why:

• Know your worth: Self-care is important to maintain a healthy relationship with yourself as it produces positive feelings and boosts your confidence and self-esteem. Also, self-care is necessary to remind yourself and others that you and your needs are important too.

 

• A healthy work-life balance: Contrary to common belief, workaholism is not a virtue. Overwork, and the accompanying stress and exhaustion can make you less productive, disorganized and emotionally depleted. It can also lead to all sorts of health problems, from anxiety and depression to insomnia and heart diseases. Professional self-care habits like taking intermittent breaks (for lunch, calling your mom, or taking a stroll), setting professional boundaries, avoiding overextending, etc. ensures that you stay sharp, motivated and healthy.

 

• Stress management: While a little dose of stress is a healthy way to give us a nudge that we need to meet the deadlines or finish that overdue task, constant stress and anxiety can have an adverse effect on your mental and physical health. Smart self-care habits like eating healthy, connecting with a loved one or, practicing meditation cuts down the toxic effects of stress by improving your mood and boosting your energy and confidence levels.

 

• Start living, stop existing: Life is a precious gift. So why waste it when we have the choice to have a more meaningful existence? Yes, you have a lot of responsibilities— fixing the dryer, mowing the lawn, paying bills. But it’s important to remember that taking care of yourself is also your responsibility. Little things like sipping tea while looking at the raindrops racing down the window glass, enjoying a bubble bath, or reading a book are essential for your daily happiness. While things like taking up a new hobby or learning a new language can make your life more purposeful by giving you a new reason to get up in the morning.

 

• Better physical health: Self-care is not just about your mental health. It’s also about caring for your physical self, by eating healthy, taking adequate sleep, caring about your hygiene, exercising regularly, etc.”

 
Click here to read the full article.

With everything most people are juggling these days, adult friendships sometimes fall low on the priority list. 

But according to the research of Carlin Flora, author of Friendfluence, our friendships are a very important part of overall wellness, as they positively influence our careers, physical health and even marriages. 

Check out a great overview of Flora’s work in this article: The Evolutionary Case for Friendship and on her book’s website.

The long-term strength and resilience of our romantic relationships highly influences our individual sense of happiness and wellbeing. 

However, now that gender roles are less rigid, many people are unsure exactly how to build and sustain strong partnerships. 

As Hara Estroff Marano explains, “Most modern relationships no longer rely on roles cast by culture. Couples create their own roles, so that almost every act requires negotiation.”

Further complicating things, she asserts that, “because people's needs are fluid and change over time, and life's demands change too, good relationships are negotiated and renegotiated all the time.” 

Read Marano’s full piece, The New Rules of Relationships, for a list of helpful considerations to keep your connection and intimacy strong.

Resolve to eat better and spend more time with loved ones by cooking more with friends and family in this winter.

Read four ways to cook more with family from ChopChop.

ChopChop is a non-profit organization whose mission is to inspire and teach kids to cook real food with their families.

Work with a wellness coach to get a new perspective this year.

Can't think of what to get someone on your shopping list?

What about planning something to do together in the coming months, such as brunch, a movie or a concert?

Collect moments, not things, this year.

1. The quality or state of being healthy in body and mind, especially as the result of deliberate effort. 

2. An approach to healthcare that emphasizes preventing illness and prolonging life, as opposed to emphasizing treating diseases.

The Definition of Wellness on Dictonary.com.

It's a challenge to let ourselves slow down. 

As Thomas Moore, author of Care of the Soul, says, "We seem to have a complex about busyness in our culture. Most of us do have time in our days that we could devote to simple relaxation, but we convince ourselves that we don't. It seems there is always something that needs doing, always someone who needs our attention."

Moore continues, "Unfortunately, we don't get a lot of support in this culture for doing nothing. If we aren't accomplishing something, we feel that we're wasting time."

We all need time to ourselves, where no external demands are being placed on us, to recharge. How can you cultivate more time for yourself on a regular basis? 

Learn more about self-care by working with a wellness coach.

Check out The Honest Company for natural personal care and cleaning products.

Studies show that healthy relationships make aging more enjoyable, lessen grief, and provide camaraderie to help you reach personal goals, among other things.

Read more about the importance of friendship.

The season for outdoor entertaining is on the horizon, so to remind us that dining alfresco doesn’t have to mean paper plates and plastic cups, we’re taking a look at seven dinner parties that are just as chic and elegant as any indoor soiree. From a refined French countryside–themed affair to a casually glam dinner, these are some inspiring alfresco gatherings. Read more.

People often ask how the support of a wellness coach differs from the support of a spouse, family member or friend. 

Support from your loved ones is important, but sometimes things get tricky because others will be supporting you in a way that blends their agenda with yours. Take your mother as an example. Her style of support will be influenced by her needs of you because of your complex relationship. She loves you unconditionally, but she may have needs of her own related to how she wants you to behave or approach challenges. 

One of the greatest advantages of hiring a professional coach to support your goals is that your agenda, needs and solutions will be the only focus. 

Certified coaches are trained specifically to ensure they don’t prevent you from coming up with your own solution by offering their ideas or suggestions. 

Instead coaches use motivational interviewing to foster unearthing your own authentic solution, plan and action steps. Your own solution will always be more realistic and successful because only you intricately know all the influencing factors your lifestyle presents. 

Learn more about wellness coaching by scheduling a free session.

Living in a way that is authentic to yourself and your personality strengths plays a large role in overall happiness and wellness. 

So where do you start? The VIA Institute is a nonprofit that offers a free online character strength survey, as well as resources related to making the most of your results. 

According to VIA, “Research shows that knowing and applying our unique character strength profile increases our life satisfaction and well-being. [The institute provides] simple and effective tools for each of us to learn more about ourselves and our personalized pathways to happiness. Developing your character strengths can have a significant impact on quality of life, as well as a positive effect on relationships, careers and personal growth.” 

The VIA Survey takes approximately 10-15 minutes to complete and only requires basic personal contact information so you may receive your results. 

Launch your personalized survey from the VIA Survey webpage.